Day 29 ( what support do you have?)

What support do you have.

The support i have at the minute is almost non-existent, apart from two close mates that are standing by me the whole time.

When i am at college i have the support of my tutors and guidance. To be honest i am not letting guidance help me in the beat way they could, be refering me to other agencies i think this may be because i dont feel like i am worthy of help when someone else could be really worth it cause the may have everything going for them,may be more intelligent than me, more pretty i just dont know anymore

Day 28 (what short term goals do you have?)

what short term goals do you have?

Survive, breathe, stay strong

They three are the most important ones at the minute cause i have nothing else so have to stay focus.

Day 27 ( discuss any and all progress you have made?)

 discuss any and all progress you have made?

Since starting out of this little blogging challenge i thought i was going to stay clean to i comleted it but that never happened, I cant seem to give it up when ever i try given it up i seems to shout my name louder than when i am not. It seems to control me more than i do it.

Day 26 (what is something that makes you the most happy?)

what is something that makes you the most happy?

Not much makes me happy anymore its all pretend, however when it comes to happy is it always something i can escape with such as a good book, music and a walk,

Books: i can just become one of the characters and get lost in the book for hours at a time

Music: finding song that relate to my current situation make me feel less alone, or songs that are upbeat just relax my mind and i am able to stop listening to the negative thoughts.

Walks:  the fresh air gives me a chance to breathe properly and detox my lungs, when i am indoors i feel trapped and struggling to breathe. Walks accompanied with music helps me escape even more.

Day 25: (do you know any statics about self harm?)

do you know any statics about self harm?

I dont know many stats apart from like 1 in 4 young people do it, i only know this because i was doing a radio project on it so need some information

Day 24 (what are some of your main triggers why?)

What are some of your main triggers why

I have many trigger that effect me.

1) stress which is the majority of my life
2) feeling any emotion other emotion apart from been happy
3) punishment, i punish myself if something has happen such as a fall out or not getting the grade i went out to achieve

They three main one, but have many others. I dont know why but the first two make me feel crappy and need something to take away the inside pain. The third one is just something i have acostumed myself too

Day 23 (what is your favourite inspirational quote and why?)

This is my favorite quote becuase no matter what you go through you can come back from it

Day 22 (where do you feel the most calm?)

where do you feel the most calm?

I feel most calm when i am asleep in bed as this way i am safe from everyone and myself, when i am asleep i am in dreamland and my dreams are way better than real life.

Day 21 (have you ever tried to stop in the past? what are you doing differently this time?)

have you ever tried to stop in the past? what are you doing differently this time?

I have only tried to stop once because when my school found out that i did it, the teachers would check my wrists first thing in the morning and after lunch. I hate this so i found the best way to get of it was to stop doing it for a while even though i had stop cutting i was finding pain in other ways that weren't that noticeable such as staving myself and forcing myself into solid objects. This was my schools idea of helping, after they stop checking i just restarted the process and i promised myself i would never ever tell anyone or ask for help again that was till September of 2013.

To be honest i am not really trying to give it up fully this is really me trying to get back in control of it, because i still have the urge to cause pain to myself, this way i have a reason to look after myself cause no-one cares about me and sometimes i dont care about myself so self-harming is my way to care and patch myself back up.

Day 20 (what is the most vivid memory you have of self harm?)

what is the most vivid memory you have of self harm?

Most of them are, but I guess the first time was when a female told me it was a good idea and she sat by my side as i made that first cut, it made me feel like it was okay to do as other people were doing it and this female was there for me giving me coping mechanisms 

Update

The last few days have been pretty bad, feeling like a failure, not good enough and beginning to question is recovery possible for me. I broke my twelve day streak two days ago and now i cant stop all that is on my mind seen my blood and feeling the pain because I deserve it. I dont deserve it be happy because every time i try something comes along and crashes me further down the ladder of recovery at the moment i am standing at the bottom of it but cant seem to reach the first step. Since finishing college for the summer I dont have the support from my tutors, guidance or anyone. This ten week summer is going to test how strong I am and at the moment dont feel like i am going to survive

Day 19 (list 5 reason that recovery is worth it ?)

list 5 reason that recovery is worth it ?

This is one of the hardest ones to write because at the moment i dont want to recover my life is a mess. But here it goes

1) so my story can have a happy ending
2) wear what i want and not have to worry about people given me dirty looks or judging
3) to feel like life is worth living
4) to be able to feel like people actual care about me
5) to be able to be around sharp objects without my mind wandering

Day 18 ( write a letter to the future (recovered you) ?)

 write a letter to the future (recovered you) ?

Hello Future me

well you are struggling the now (27/06/14) with self harming you had just manage to break a streak you were 12 days in to not cutting but relapsed yesterday and today, you dont know where you stand at the moment but by the time you read this letter i hope every struggle you are facing has passed.

I seriously hope you have settled down either in work or a family thats my biggest wish for you just now but will likely to change over these next few year.

coping has always been a big issue for you but not anyone you have learnt to talk about how you are feeling, you have tossed the last blade in the bucket, you always kept it just encase you need it but you dont need it anymore, you have people who want to support you and care about you yeah it not your parents it more your friends but that is okay your friends are always there if you want to talk to them.

Day 17: (do you know anyone who self harms (don't have to mention names)?)

do you know anyone who self harms (don't have to mention names)?

I dont know anyone who self harms at the moment but have known people who have previously done it. One of these people who is 5 years older than me told me that if i was struggling with the emotional pain that i should try self-harming remembering i was only 15 at this point and this person been 20. I listened to this person but now i regret it

The other two people told me they self-harmed, I had been doing it for two years so i knew how hard it was to stop but at the time no-one knew how much trouble i was in, i supported them and give them advice to take the steps to recovery but was never able to take that advice on myself. Now they have recovered and they have thanked me but i am still struggling these two people still dont know i do

Day 16: (what advice would you give to someone about self harm?)

what advice would you give to someone about self harm?

There are a few piece of advice i would give to someone about self harm

dont judge a person on their cuts and scars because you dont know their story behind it, and you dont know how much emotional pain they are in to be able to damage themselves

be an ear to listen to them

Try and understand them and try to encourage them to seek professional help as it is a problem that needs to be solved

Day 15 (do you visit websites about self harm? if so what ones?)

I dont visit much websites to do with self harm but i do look up quotes about the issue as some give me motivation to recover. I also visit websites that give alternatives to it such as

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/self-harm%20distractions%20and%20alternatives%20final.pdf
http://sirius-project.org/2011/08/16/distractions-and-alternatives-to-self-harm/

some of the alternative listed on these websites do help when i can feel a downer coming on but in the moment nothing really helps

Day 14 (is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration to recover?)

is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration to recover?

Sort of? there are a couple but i wont say they were inspiration

A guy i know has been through it, his self harm was through smoking and drinking. Because he is trying to get his life back on track i kind of look up to him to recover and i know he always there for me know matter how much shit he is going through himself. He always makes time

Demi Lovato is my biggest inspiration to recover as i now know that even celebrities have issues and need ways to cope. I have watched her on television since i was a young teenager in sonny with a chance and camp rock

Of course my last inspiration is myself, i know it sounds cliché but i dont want my future children to see white and red lines on their mums wrists as this gives them the message it is okay for them to do it if they need a way to cope  

Update

Yesterday marked a week of self harm free pretty proud of myself lets see how long it lasts. just got to fight the urges to recover slowly don't get me wrong in this week a have had the blade in my hand ready to make the cut that would ruin the streak. I keep telling myself i am better than that and think about the people that want me to recover. Over this week it has been hard because i have wanted to feel pain so i came up with this it has probably been used by other people but the idea is to sit against the wall with nothing to support you underneath just the wall. The pain in your legs hurts like hell, but it is worth it if it isnt causing damaging self harm. On the plus side it also tones your legs so it is a win win situation you get pain and can tone your legs.

I am now on holiday till september (if i go back) i have very little support over the next two months this is when I find out if i am strong enough to survive it

Day 13 (what is the biggest realisation about self harm you've had?)

what is the biggest realisation about self harm you've had?

My biggest realisation has to be the time when my lecturer questioned why i had change so much in personality, which was in only in September of last year. i didnt see the issue with my self harm as it was something as a way of coping with the emotional pain it was my release. However my when my lecturer told me it cause more of a problem which now i see is true but its hard to give up something you have become accustomed to for so long.

Day 12 (where do you keep you tools (room, in a box)?)

where do you keep you tools (room, in a box)?

Where do i keep my tools, to be honest they are constantly moving places because I feel if I keep them in the one place for longer than a day someone will find them and dispose of them in the trash. However i will list places where i have kept them in the past

1) under my pillow
2) in a pocket on a jacket i dont wear
3) in a pillow case that is over throw pillows
4) in a locked box 
5) in my handbag
6) in my wallet

Day 11: (strangest place (school, park, etc) you've ever injured yourself?)

11) strangest place (school, park, etc) you've ever injured yourself?

The strangest place i have ever cut has to be on a bus, i am on them a lot for college, seeing friends or just for something to do. On the day I did this i sat at the very back, the bus only had two other people on it but there were at the front so they couldnt see me. I had a bobby pin my hair and i knew they could cause injury, i had a bad night but i promised myself i wont cut until morning hoping that the urge would pass by the morning never did. I took the pin out my hair and just pushing and dragging it into my skin. i knew if i didnt do it before college i was going to end up lashing out and if i did it at college i dont know what they would actual do if i did. 

Day 10 (how do you feel about your scars?)

Well lets start by saying I am going to do two post today one now and one later because I am bored now and behind schedule.


 how do you feel about your scars?


Scars show me I have had a past there they are battle wounds but I don't see this all the time.


I cover them a lot because people are so judgemental like recently I was roasting on the bus and I mean like 28 degrees (which is hot for Scotland) so I took my cardigan off I was near enough at the back of the bus so I didn't see the issue as no-one was around me. However once we got to Thorton, a young woman got on the bus with her child, she turned to me and said can you cover those hideous marks you are scaring me kid. It wasn't the statement that offended me it was the way she said it. She didn't know me or what I have been through if she probably knew she wont react in this way. It was the fact the kid came over and sat in the seat next to me and said 'my cousin has those marks too'.


If we educated our children about mental health problems from a very young age there wont be so much as an issue about explain to them

Day 9 (have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss

Have you ever taken pictures of you wounds? Discuss

Well i did when i first started cause i didnt want to forget about my past and what i had been through. However a year or so down the line i realised it wasnt exactly necessary because the marks remain for quite a while and how could i possible forget something that has been there for me and also cause so much pain 

Day 8 (what is the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?)

 what is the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?

When i first let people which was only one at this point. As this person truly cared about me said you like to draw like an artist which i thought was pretty cute as i hated and still do it been called self harm, Then went on and spoke about how smoking was the same thing for some people its just damaging on the inside instead of the outside

Day 7 (list 10 activities that help you calm down?)

Sorry been away for a few days but i am going to get back on track and complete this thing

7) list 10 activities that help you calm down?

1) Make loom bands (at the moment) very therapeutic and relaxes me 

2) Go for a wee sleep

3) Read a book so i can escape the really world and become one of the main characters in the book

4) Go outside whether that be a little walk, a run or a wee skate

5) Listen to some up beat music

6) Go for a shower or hot bubble bath

7) Talk to someone who is supporting me in recovery as they are able to reason with me

8)  Look up happy quotes or recovery quotes

9)  Paint my nails cause when they are wet your hands are busy and will ruin your nails

10)  Just breathing while listening to relaxation music.

Day 6 (what about it do you enjoy?)

6) what about it do you enjoy?

What do i most enjoy about it? is a hard question because i wouldnt say i enjoyed doing it. It is my method of coping to get through everyday cause without it i would probably be dead. 

Day 5 (what part of self harm do you dislike the most?)

what part of self harm do you dislike the most?

I have many things I dislike about self harming

1) Scars : probably everyone who does it feels this way, the reason i hate them is because is soon as the cuts turn to scars i want the cuts back but them hate myself for cutting again it is such a viscous circle

2) Looks : When I go through a stage of recovery where there are no fresh cuts I will walk about with my scars on show but people have no respect and stare at them constantly. That is the thing that makes me cover up.

3) Emotions : i hardly ever show emotion apart from happy so everyone thinks your fine while underneath the sleeves your are everything apart from fine.

4) Attention Seeker : when people see my cuts and scars by accident call me an attention seeker if this was true i would cut in front of your face not late at night while everyone else is sleeping .

5) Notice : when people notice the cuts and scars but no one seems to notice how much pain you are in and act like everything is okay. This usually happpens when i am around my parents which isnt very often.

They are just a few things i hate about it but cant stop it hurts me to know i cant

Update

I have been doing this little project for the last 4 days but thought i would give you an update to be honest it isnt going to well. my idea was to use this project for 30 day without harming myself as it takes on average 21 days to break a habit so 30 days was plenty time that's what i thought. Out of these four day i have only managed to go 24 hours without harming myself which is really bad. I seem to be in a black hole and every step to recovery i am making i am messing up somewhere else. The negative thoughts in my head never ever stop they keep barking at me telling me i am worthless, stupid, give up the fight. Still here just wish i had the courage just to finish it. However i am not going to give up at the moment want to at least complete this challenge that way before i give up i can say i succeed at something i had set out to do.

Day 4 (do you consider yourself addicted why or why not?)

do you consider yourself addicted why or why not?

yes I would say i was addicted. I think I would class myself as addicted as i have been doing it for so long. when i manage to stay clear of it for a couple of weeks and the cuts heal i miss been able to pick the scabs off them. I am the process of learning how to talk and cry when ever i feel like i need to cut but this never gives me the same relief as seeing blood and feeling pain. 

Day 3 (what is your motivation to recover?)

 what is your motivation to recover?

To be honest at this stage I don't have proper motivation to recover fully from it as it is the only thing I know that helps me have some control and relief.

However I do have slight motivation to recover such as in the summer which it is sort of now in the UK. I want to be able to wear short sleeved t-shirts and not have people looking at my cuts and scars as this terrifies me to death or giving me dirty looks as they don't know my past but they think they have the right to judge me.

In the long run when I start to think about having a family of my own I don't want my children to look at my cuts and scars and have the impression it is okay for them to do it. I don't want them to feel the emotional pain I feel on a regular basis that they have to convert it in to physical pain.

Day 2 (what part of you body is most affected by it?)

what part of you body is most affected by it?

Most of my body is affected now but it is mainly occurs on my wrists. However when I first started self harming I would do in places that were easy to hid, such as my thighs, shoulders and hips as they were covered with t-shirts, shorts and skirts so no-one knew it was happening. Unfortunately just after my 16 birthday I had a really bad day and was seriously pissed off and couldn't be bothered rolling up my trouser leg of removing my tshirt to harm myself. I went straight to my wrists yeah the stereotypical self harm teenager appear. it was difficult to hid from people but the lies work i am cold and aww that was the cat.  

Day 1 (how long have you been self harming? discuss why you started )

how long have you been self harming? discuss why you started 

I have been self harming for 5 years. I started because when i was 14 i had been bullied from the age of 8 all the way through primary school which is age 5 to 11 then through my high school career which is aged 11 to 18, it all became to much. At that time i didn't really know it was self harm it was just banging and pulling my hair in frustration or anger, it felt good to be in control of my own pain and not rely on other people to give me the pain. My parents had no time to speak to me on how i felt they were too interest in their foster daughter (who is now been adopted in to my family). I had no-one to talk to, i didnt even think my friends were really my friends so i hid it from them on how unhappy i was. Didnt make that first cut till i was 16 i needed to feel pain and see blood. At this time i had set up Facebook and Twitter accounts but this gave the bullies more places to attack me they would say things like 'i wish you were dead' ' you dont deserve to live' ' you are a waste of oxygen' which made me feel even worse. I also had a controlling boyfriend who decide ever thing for me including what i wore, who i hanged around with and when i had to see him. My life was out of control. My friend of 8 years turned against me and picked on me in front of my group of friends I couldn't handle it any more. 

I had no friends, family change on me and hardly spoke to me. self harm was my best friend i even give my 'tool' a name to make it more like a friend

Introduction to the 30 day self harm challenge

Over the next 30 days I will be writing a short blog entry about self harm there will be no triggering images its just about me trying to understand my own self injury. Why not join in if you want to the questions are below

1)  how long have you been self harming? discuss why you started

2) what part of you body is most affected by it?

3) what is your motivation to recover?

4) do you consider yourself addicted why or why not

5) what part of self harm do you dislike the most?

6) what about it do you enjoy?

7) list 10 activities that help you calm down?

8) what is the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?

9) have you ever taken photos of your wounds? discuss

10) how do you feel about your scars?

11) strangest place (school, park, etc) you've ever injured yourself?

12) where do you keep you tools (room, in a box)?

13) what is the biggest realisation about self harm you've had?

14) is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration to recover?

15) do you visit websites about self harm? if so what ones?

16) what advice would you give to someone about self harm?

17) do you know anyone who self harms (don't have to mention names)?

18) write a letter to the future (recovered you) ?

19) list 5 reason that recovery is worth it ?

20) what is the most vivid memory you have of self harm?

21) have you ever tried to stop in the past? what are you doing differently this time?

22) where do you feel the most calm?

23) what is your favourite inspirational quote and why?

24) what are some of your main triggers? why?

25)do you know any statics about self harm?

26) what is something that makes you the most happy?

27) discuss any and all progress you have made?

28) what short term goals do you have?

29) What support do you have?

30) post your favourite picture of yourself with a post message to look back on

I will start this challenge tomorrow may skip a day but will do all 30 so keep coming back